other bits of blog

Saturday, June 11, 2011

a single night

Why is it always one single night that inspires me, either in anticipation,

Maybe I Am
I feel jealous when I’m not supposed to
But I’m happy for her, anyway
I mean, why shouldn’t I be?
But I hate her
For all her glory
And for the pride
She just won’t take in it
I wish I could have that kind of luck
That kind of life
And the song
I used to sing
Is over now
Drifting in the wind
With the useless
Heart-rending wishes
I used to make
On those perfect
Shining dandelion seeds
That now look at me with sneers
Telling me they knew I never
Truly believed in them
And I think
That as they are teasing me
They might know
But maybe
Probably
They just think me a fool
And that is what I am
I see the way you look at her
And wish that someday
Someday
Any day
Sometime soon
You will look at me
With that same intense gaze
Where I think I would see myself
Reflected in your eyes
Will you ask her?
Is she leaving
With someone else
Or with you?
Why do I even bother asking
That was rhetorical
Just so you know
But you don’t
You have no idea
And I hate it
Hate the way you are so oblivious
To them
To their little add-ons
And I hate the way they look at me
Like I am a fool
Maybe I am
And I am
I am
I am
I am
I know I am
But the horrible catch is
I really don’t care
And I try to care
I did for a day
I remember
And then I stopped
Because it hurt too much
And you were right there
Whispering the words that I could hear
And they were behind me
Plotting to say words I already knew
And I hate the way
You look at me
Like maybe you could
Think of me
But no
Not at all
And she just doesn’t care
Because maybe I’m hurt
And maybe I’m scared
And maybe I’m sad
And maybe I will never get over this
This thing
But she has no idea
And I hate
Hate
How she thinks she does
How they all think they do
Because I have tried
For too long
And you
You wont even react
But of course he will
Of course he has to
Because her life
Is just this close to perfect
It’s like a river
Her tears and her drama and all she makes
Out of absolutely nothing
She thinks it’s something
But she has no idea
Again and again and again
No idea
She can’t even try
And I hope
I try to hope
And I can’t tell them
Can’t tell anyone
And that’s the hardest part
That someday I will be yours
But I never will be
I don’t think
But maybe
As I like to hope
Behind their backs
Behind my own
Hiding it from everyone
But me
Maybe
Just maybe
I am
Or maybe someday
I will be
or in reality?

Broken Little Heart

I never thought
That so much work
Could be broken
With a single moment
A single glance
A single uncaring turn
And a truce
Telling me you’ll walk away
If I stay where I am
Lonely
Waiting for the one
But that’s all a fantasy
They told me not to get my hopes up
Because I would be crushed
But I couldn’t help it
How could I help hoping
And dreaming
And wishing
For you?
And this was all in my head
I know
Sure
We were here
Twice
But apparently twice
Just wasn’t enough
And sure
You told me things I can't repeat
And you told me things I'll always know
That’s what I heard
And that’s what I believed
But I see the way you look at her
See the way you don’t even bother
To turn your head
And maybe
Just maybe
Gaze at me for only a second
I don’t care if you say there wasn’t enough time
I don’t care if you say you’re sorry
The truth is
You’re not
Because I believed you
So much
That now
My heart is crushed into little
Tiny
Fragmented
Pieces
That I will never be able
To glue together
You are my heart
Every fiber
Every sinew
As the blood pumps through my veins
It tells me that you're mine
But with all my heart
I want to walk away
I want to leave you standing there
I want not to care
I just wish I could
And every time I close my eyes
I tell myself that I don’t see your face
But I do
And it tears
What’s left of my heart
Apart
Until the broken pieces
Scatter on the floor
And collect dust
As they hide in corners
And I can’t find them
I don’t think I ever will
They’re lost and gone forever
Along with all the broken toys
Floating out to sea
And that’s all my heart was to you,
Wasn’t it?
Just a little broken toy
And that’s what I’ve become
Just a little broken toy
It’s not so bad that you’ve broken my heart,
Exactly,
Just that you came back
For more and more
And left me hoping
For the things I didn’t have
And then you broke my heart again
And over and over
I die each time I see you
Every single day
And that
That is what you did wrong
And the worst part
The worst part of all of this is
You didn’t even know
Or
For better
Or maybe for worse
You knew
But you didn’t even care
You broke my heart
Into a million tiny little pieces
And you swept them up
Like useless broken toys
Into the corners and crevices of your soul
So I would never dream
Of looking
Because I should never dream
Of looking there
But I do
I do
I do
I do
I do
Forever
For better
For worse
It's not what you think
At all
It’s that I thought so many things
And I thought you told me so many things
But I guess,
As they all like to say,
I guess I just heard it wrong
I guess my dreams were built on nothingness
And because of that,
They have fallen all the easier
I took so long to build
You in my heart
To sew you into the cracks
And curves
Of my soul
I built you up in my mind
A perfect picture
And I thought that when I saw you
The real you
You were my perfection
But as you turn away
No, no turn away exactly,
Just don’t bother
In the slightest
You don’t even try
And there
Here
Now
Then
I don’t even know
That was when the little pictures of you
All sewn into my heart
Ripped apart
And tore me into little broken fragments
And the tower I took
So incredibly long to build
Fell into the nothingness
The emptiness
The dreaming
That used to be its foundation
And here,
I almost want to thanks you
For tearing me apart,
Almost
But not quite
Because I can’t forgive you
For the way you just didn’t care
And I can’t forgive myself
For the way I did
I did
I did
I did
And you
The broken record
Running through my veins
You didn’t respond
And that
That was when
You broke my heart in two
And the pieces crawled away
Into the meandering bends
The bends I know so well
Or thought I knew
The meandering bends
Of your broken little heart
That
For this one time
Match the thousands of fragments
Of mine
I know that you won't understand this. Even if you do, don't bother answering, because I've closed the shutters and changed the sign to closed for a little while. Not even the most beautiful of wishes made on dandelions could change my life for the better right now, for just this moment. It's over and done, and there's no going back to change it. I'm trying to think that it'll be okay, and I know now that someday it will be. But just give me a single wish. Give me one moment to cry, to believe that this will never, ever stop.
Because now, I feel as if it never will. I try to fight it, try to stop the pain, but all that's left are the thousands and thousands of pieces of my heart that you ripped apart, the thousands of pieces you swept up into the dark corners of your broken little heart.
Just give me my one single wish.
Just let me cry over you for a single night.
A single night, one of love and truth, not pain and sorrow.
That's all I ask of love. And that's all I ever will.
And here, don't ask me to explain, because I can't. But I will say that nothing is what you think it is. It's all just a fantasy I built up in my head, but we got no farther than that.
Did I mention in all this mess that I'm thirteen?
Life—maturity, knowledge, whatever you want to call it—life comes with a price.
And I've paid the rent more than my share.
But that's what we do here, isn't it? We work and work and work and then it all falls down like a child's game. We pay the dues, we pay the rent, and the bills just keep coming.
Sometimes, though, there are times when we don't care about the money, times when the blocks fall down but we don't notice, because love is there, holding our hands and hugging us and telling us all will be okay. And for that moment, love is all we have, all we care about, until that moment flees our grasp, and we just don't.
We're left floating in an open sea, churning in the stormy waves, and still waiting for life to start.

6 comments:

  1. Oh, Maia.

    12 (ish) days.

    Just wait.

    P.s. *virtual hug*.(:

    ReplyDelete
  2. *virtual hug right back at ya* :)
    i'm waiting. and trying to be patient. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh, and getting a bowl.....a very, very large bowl.
    six, actually.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've lived through it for three years (and still am). It gets better though. I promise.
    I'm a friend of Claire's by the way.
    That's how I got here.
    I promise it will be okay.

    ReplyDelete
  5. And it's okay to cry also.

    Heart's that are broken are easier to cry over then hearts that have died.

    ReplyDelete
  6. YOU ARE NOT POSTING!!!!!!! YOU ARE BEING A BAD BLOGGER AND I WILL REPORT YOU TO THE BLOGGING POLICE!!!!!!!! XD

    ReplyDelete